The May Firm

In my previous post, I discussed the difficulty in gauging a win or loss in divorce. Most people feel that there are never any winners in any divorce and mostly everyone loses, no matter the outcome. But, there are some ways to make any divorce a little easier.

Approach the divorce from a logical perspective.

It is often the emotion — hurt feeling and unmet expectations — that cause people to have difficult and messy divorces. Obviously, some divorces have issues that must be fleshed out and will be messy out of necessity. But other divorces can be made much easier if both parties can set their emotions aside and approach the issues involved in accomplishing the divorce from a logical perspective. Separate the causes of the divorce — who did what that made the divorce happen — from the issues such as division of property or sharing parenting responsiblities.

Shift your perspective from one of spouses to one of business partners.

You may no longer be able to have a loving, married relationship, but, if you have children, you will continue to be partners well into the future. After the marriage ends, approach your relationship with your ex-spouse as if you were in the business of raising children. Ignore things that do not directly relate to that business and focus on the task at hand. There will be many issues that need your cooperation, from discipline, dating and driving, to report cards, curfews, and colleges.

Educate yourself on your assets and debts.

Knowledge is empowering. No matter whether your marital estate is small or large, negative or positive, knowing the nature of your assets and debts will help you make smart decisions about a fair division. Each spouse may have different interests in what property and debts they have after the divorce. One spouse may value retirement assets more highly, where the other spouse may want disposable cash assets now. One spouse may be more interested in maintaining the house, and the other spouse may be more interested in taking a business interest.

Look at the divorce from the other spouse’s perspectivie.

Evaluate what interests your spouse may have in the divorce. Seeing things from a different perspective can provide a broader insight to creative solutions. Often, by seeing things through the other spouse’s eyes, you find that both have the same ultimate goal. Maybe both share a common goal of providing for the children’s college education — this can provide common ground for negotiation.

For assistance with your divorce in North Texas – Dallas, Collin, Denton, and Tarrant Counties — call The May Firm and schedule an appointment to discuss how we may be of assistance to you.

Tags: Divorce, Clients, Divorce Settlement, Divorce Recovery, Financial Planning by Michelle
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Continuing with the discussion last week about helping children cope with the reality of divorce, here are ten tips for divorcing parents, from the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers:

Ten Tips for Divorcing Parents

Divorce is never easy on kids, but there are many ways parents can help lessen the impact of their break-up on their children:

1. Never disparage your former spouse in front of your children. Because children know they are “part mom” and “part dad”, the criticism can batter the child’s self-esteem.
2. Do not use your children as messengers between you and your former spouse. The less the children feel a part of the battle between their parents, the better.
3. Reassure your children that they are loved and that the divorce is not their fault. Many children assume that they are to blame for their parent’s hostility.
4. Encourage your children to see your former spouse frequently. Do everything within your power to accommodate the visitation.
5. At every step during your divorce, remind yourself that your children’s interests – not yours – are paramount, and act accordingly. Lavish them with love at each opportunity.
6. Your children may be tempted to act as your caretaker. Resist the temptation to let them. Let your peers, adult family members, and mental health professionals be your counselors and sounding board. Let your children be children.
7. If you have a drinking or drug problem, get counseling right away. An impairment inhibits your ability to reassure your children and give them the attention they need at this difficult time.
8. If you are the non-custodial parent, pay your child support. The loss of income facing many children after divorce puts them at a financial disadvantage that has a pervasive effect on the rest of their lives.
9. If you are the custodial parent and you are not receiving child support, do not tell your children. It feeds into the child’s sense of abandonment and further erodes his or her stability.
10. If at all possible, do not uproot your children. Stability in their residence and school life helps buffer children from the trauma of their parent’s divorce.

To download a pdf of these tips, click Ten Tips for Divorcing Parents.  

If you need the advice of a Texas Board Certified Family Law Specialist, please contact us for an appointment.

Tags: Divorce, Clients, Children's Issues, Divorce Recovery by Michelle
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Often children feel out of control during the transition of a divorce since the decision to divorce was not their choice nor made based on their feelings.  Studies have shown that many children would prefer that parents continue to be married and live together rather than make the decision to get a divorce.  This is understandable since children love both of their parents, they have trouble understanding why the two people they love most in the world don’t also love each other anymore.  The divorce will create a lot of change in the child’s life, which will make him feel unstable. 

One of the best things you can do for your child in going through the divorce is to given them confidence that the new situation will be okay and they will get used to it.  For example, both parents should be involved in the conversation with the child where the divorce is discussed.  Emphasize that both parents still love the child just the same.  Explain the process of what is about to happen.  For example, explain that the child will continue to see both parents, just at different houses.  “Instead of both of us living at one house, you will have two houses from now on, one with Mommy and one with Daddy, and you will spend time at both houses.”  Also encourage the child that it is okay to continue to have contact with both parents and give the child the freedom to call the other parent and talk to him/her whenever the child wants to.

Most importantly, do not talk negatively about the other parent to the child or where the child can hear.  From the child’s viewpoint, he or she is made up of “half of Mommy and half of Daddy”.  If Mommy thinks Daddy is bad, the child may translate that to the child being half bad.  The child deserves to have a good relationship with both parents, even when the marriage fails.  One judge gives the example, “Having an affair may make a bad spouse, but it doesn’t necessarily make a bad parent.”

Katherine R. Sookhoo has a good blog post on the impact of divorce on children at the Pennsylvania Family Law blog. 

The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers lists the Children’s Bill of Rights when the parents are not living together:

Every kid has rights, particularly when mom and dad are splitting up. Below are some things parents shouldn’t forget — and kids shouldn’t let them — when the family is in the midst of a break-up.

You have the right to love both your parents. You also have the right to be loved by both of them. That means you shouldn’t feel guilty about wanting to see your dad or your mom at any time. It’s important for you to have both parents in your life, particularly during difficult times such as a break-up of your parents.

You do not have to choose one parent over the other. If you have an opinion about which parent you want to live with, let it be known. But nobody can force you to make that choice. If your parents can’t work it out, a judge may make the decision for them.

You’re entitled to all the feelings you’re having. Don’t be embarrassed by what you’re feeling. It is scary when your parents break up, and you’re allowed to be scared. Or angry. Or sad. Or whatever.

You have the right to be in a safe environment. This means that nobody is allowed to put you in danger, either physically or emotionally. If one of your parents is hurting you, tell someone — either your other parent or a trusted adult like a teacher.

You don’t belong in the middle of your parents’ break-up. Sometimes your parents may get so caught up in their own problems that they forget that you’re just a kid, and that you can’t handle their adult worries. If they start putting you in the middle of their dispute, remind them that it’s their fight, not yours.

Grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins are still part of your life. Even if you’re living with one parent, you can still see relatives on your other parent’s side. You’ll always be a part of their lives, even if your parents aren’t together anymore.

You have the right to be a child. Kids shouldn’t worry about adult problems. Concentrate on your school work, your friends, activities, etc. Your mom and dad just need your love. They can handle the rest.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT AND DON’T BLAME YOURSELF.

To download a pdf copy of the Children’s Bill of Rights, click Children’s Bill of Rights. 

If you are in need of a Texas divorce attorney, please contact us.

Tags: General, Divorce, Child Possession, Clients, Children's Issues by Michelle
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I read an interesting post by Ron Hendricks on his blog Putting Asunder where he talked about why he became a family law attorney. It made me ponder my own answer….

Lawyers are often asked how they can do what they do. Criminal defense lawyers get the question… “how can you represent someone you know is guilty?” Civil defense lawyers get the question… “how do you represent those big companies who take advantage of the little people?” And, divorce lawyers are asked… “why would you want to deal with divorces all day?”

I became a divorce lawyer out of a genuine desire to help people. Going through a divorce is one of the worst times in a person’s life. He or she needs and deserves to have an advocate by their side through the difficult process. I enjoy making a difference in their lives and holding their hand through it. As with any profession, it certainly has its downsides. Some lawyers are difficult to deal with. Some clients are difficult to deal with. Some judges are difficult to deal with. Any of those make me have a bad day, where I’d rather choose another profession. Then, I have a client who really needs my help and I’m able to make a difference for that client or his/her children. Most of my clients are a joy and are truly appreciative of what we do for them. Some of those clients have sent testimonials that I’ve posted here. I didn’t set out as a young person desiring to be a divorce lawyer. In fact, the divorce business more chose me because clients hired me to handle those types of cases as a young lawyer. There are many other professions that I would not be suited for. But, overall, I am glad that I am able to help those who need my help and can benefit from what I do.

If you need the expertise of a divorce lawyer in Dallas Texas, please contact my office to schedule an appointment.

Tags: Divorce, Clients by admin
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